Wednesday, January 25, 2012

Wacky Wednesday: I Miss Spontaneity

My dearest Red and I have not been on a nice date in probably 8-9 months.  Work schedules, lack of money, weather, holidays, and a Yeti seem to have put a serious damper on our dating/romantic life.  Last weekend, I couldn't take it any more.  I put my foot down and set a date for this Wednesday (todayyyyyy!!!) of dropping everything, no matter what, to have a romantic evening out.  It got me thinking how different planning a night out really is before and after having a baby, lets examine some of those:

Planning to take care of a week in advance BEFORE children:

  • expect me to commit to something a week in advance?  Unless it is a major holiday like Cinco de Mayo, St. Patrick's Day, or Thanksgiving Eve, I don't think so, a better offer might come up.
Planning to take care of a week in advance AFTER children:
  • Find a sitter.
  • Find a restaurant where absolutely NO screaming children will be allowed and you will not see anyone you know.  I want to have conversation with Red, not eat my meal while he has conversation with his long lost best friend five tables away.  Hell, why not just join each other.
Outfit planning BEFORE children:
  • Sniff test any number of very hot bar hopping outfits you own.  Preferably the one that the cat has slept on the least.  Pair with hooker boots.  Wear enough body spray so nobody will notice you haven't done laundry in at least 3 weeks (ummm laundry seriously cuts into drinking time)*
*I've always thought that a bar with a laundromat in it would be a huge success.

Outfit planning AFTER children:
  • Oh fuck, I only have two pairs of jeans that fit me since hatching the Yeti and one shirt fit to wear in public that doesn't have baby puke stains on it.  Time to go buy a new outfit.
Primping before a date BEFORE children:
  • Bi weekly acrylic nail session? CHECK.  Bi weekly full body waxing? CHECK. Bi weekly pedicure? CHECK.  Hair cut and color obsessively maintained? CHECK
  • Date actually wears sexy clothes and cologne
Primping before a date AFTER children:
  • Wake up at 5 am for the following activities because I have let myself go for approximately 6 months and everything takes six times longer when you have an infant in the house:
    • Dye hair to hide roots/grays
    • Wax face to avoid confusion with being a circus freak and/or the Bearded Goat Woman from Hell
    • Shave arm pits AND legs - not just the calves, the ENTIRE leg (yeah right, you will get a shower that long).  Prepare for the possibility that I MIGHT get some tonight.
    • Try to figure out how you can't paint your fingernails and hope that the Yeti requires no maintenance for at least an hour (yeah right) so as not to smudge nails.  Screw it, he can cry.
    • Try to find another 25+ minutes to paint toe nails.
    • Clean house because Mother decides she wants to come visit
    • Find: flat iron, make up, jewelry, and footwear OTHER than Crocs
    • Do laundry so Red has something to wear.
  • Pack diaper bag
  • Answer the question "Honey, do I have to wear something nice?"  If you expect me to bring you.
  • Drop Yeti at in laws BEFORE you get dressed to avoid puke stains on new stain-free outfit.
Purse contents on a date BEFORE children:
  • Eye shadow
  • Lip gloss
  • ID, Debit card, $
  • Condom
Purse contents on a date AFTER children (note, you really only need the first three items on that list):
  • Spare make up
  • Wallet with every store and club card within 23 miles
  • Baby wipes
  • 3-4 rogue pacifiers
  • Kleenex
  • Lint roller
  • Gas drops (not for me)
Date conversation BEFORE children:
  • Anything fun, exciting, engaging, political, gossipy, naughty that comes to mind
Date conversation AFTER children:
  • Oh hey your W2 came in the mail.  Cool.
  • I paid the cell phone bill.  Yup.
  • The mail lady came at 11:39 today not 11:35.  
Post date activities BEFORE children (one of the following):
  • Holy shit, it's last call already?  Time to find a party to go to.
  • Holy shit, it's last call already?  Shit, I gotta change and get to work.
  • Holy shit, it's last call already?  Gotta find a random.
Post date activities AFTER children:
  • Holy shit, it's 7:00 pm, we have to get going to go pick up the baby and get to bed.
Me BEFORE children:

Me AFTER children:


  1. I don't have kids, but I think I'm already living the "after" life. Oh Lord :)