Monday, February 13, 2012

Leave of absence...

If any of you have read my last post, then this is a followup!

Since not spending 23 hours a day on the computer in my chair, I have been eating super healthy and have dropped 6.5 lbs in two weeks!  How have I been doing it?

2 egg white omelet with spinach, roasted red peppers, and feta or parmesan cheese
Black coffee with splenda

Celery or carrots with homemade hummus

Protein smoothie

Celery or carrots with peanut butter

Huge plate of salad or veggies
Lean protein

Lots of water and green tea

Work out:
Walks, Jillian Michaels, various circuit training

I feel great!!!  I have so much energy!  I am so much happier!

I have been taking the time to play my guitar, read to the Yeti, and paint the fingies.  Although I miss the blogging community, I needed to do this for myself.  I shall return!

Friday, February 10, 2012


When I first got the bright idea to start blogging two months ago, I was a virgin.  I knew nothing about the blogging community.  I very quickly became wrapped up in following the advice of fellow bloggers to grow my blog - link ups, commenting, following, daily posting.  I found myself checking my blog feed more than Facebook - spending hours researching blog stuff, finding new blogs to follow, and copying buttons.  

Last week, I posted that I was getting a little depressed and needed to pull my head out of my ass.  Well, goddamn it, I have been.  Yesterday, I didn't turn my computer on ONCE and what got accomplished?
I ran errands, taxes got done, guitar got played, the Yeti got read to, the nails got painted, it put the lotion on it's skin, got paperwork done, exercised, and made healthy food.  I was still full of energy, in an amazingly good mood, and ready to start a new day when night time rolled around.  

So, dear readers, while I will still be posting several times a week as I find it very therapeutic, I realized that I needed to get my fat ass out of the big brown sleeping pill and DO STUFF!  I think I was becoming a part of that chair - my ass was growing roots.

That is all...

Wednesday, February 8, 2012

My 10 biggest fears...

Sometimes, when I get a little low on writing ideas, I like to swing on over to Mama Kat's for some fun writing prompts.  This week, the '10 biggest fears' prompt inspired me...

1.  That Snarles Barkley's cat hair tumbleweeds will meld into a clone of said mini-panda and continue to reproduce more cat hair.
Snarles Barkley fiercely guarding the dog treats, ammo, and wrist rocket.

2.  That someday, while blow drying my hair and doing the upside down volume adding hair flip, I will smash my head on the sink in our bathroom phone booth, and suffer irreparable brain damage.  Ahhh the cost of beauty.

3.  That the Yeti has a perfect storm of genetics - genius brains, good looks, and an insatiable craving for trouble.  Look out world, it's a category 5 brewing.  We don't have a college fund started, we have a bail fund.

4.  That my mother will visit unexpectedly before I have a chance to clean (see item #1).

5.  That one of these days I will open my cupboard and the neatly organized stash of Tupperware will avalanche down on me, trapping me for hours until Red comes home, at which point I will be suffocated with my stiff hand clutched upwards toward the ceiling.

6.  That my mother is right, that public toilet seats really do transmit a variety of incurable, terminal diseases that will be contracted through nine layers of TP while hovering precariously.

7.  That I will trust a fart too much.

8.  That someday the Flying Monkey scene from The Wizard of Oz will be on every channel, the batteries in the remote will die right after the Yeti falls asleep in my arms, and I will know that getting up to shut off the TV will only wake him up.   I watched that movie ONCE when I was 6 and they still scare the ever living flying monkey poop out of me.

9.  That Snarles Barkely will puke in the exact spot that Red puts his feet when he gets out of bed in the morning and I will have to clean human and cat messes up at approximately 4:30 am.

10.  That I will step in the jet fuel from an AIDs infested pedestrian's snot rocket in sandals.

Tuesday, February 7, 2012

Test Kitchen Tuesday: Hodgson Mills European Herb and Cheese Bread

A few weeks ago, I had emailed Hodgson Mill requesting some coupons.  They were very generous and sent a STACK of coupons for free products to me.  So last week, when our friend came over for dinner, I thought I would take the coupons to the grocery store and see what products I could incorporate into dinner.

Unfortunately, the selection of Hodgson Mill products was very limited at our small grocery store, but I picked out their Italian Herb and Cheese Bread to go with lasagna and Caesar salad.  Please note:  I have NEVER made self rising bread before.

Just because this is a 'mix', it still needs to rise, be kneaded, etc - this is NOT a quick bread.

I made the bread EXACTLY as the directions said and it came out delicious.  The boys ate the entire loaf themselves, I got two slices.  Making this has certainly inspired me to make more bread (also, Red informed me that I was no longer allowed to NOT make bread for him).  I must admit, that as intimidated as I was by bread baking, it really is very easy.  Aside from the rise times, it really takes very little time, and I would like to think that from now on, on Sundays, I am going to make two loaves of bread, rather than buy them.

Saturday, February 4, 2012

Things they don't teach you in parenting classes...

1.  Snap education 101:  Trying to connect the 33 snaps and get them properly aligned on a screaming infant's PJ's at 3:00 am is like Helen Keller trying to solve a Rubik's Cube.

2.  Breastfeeding:  No matter how great they make it sound, there are just some mothers and babies that aren't cut out for it.  Sorry hippies.

3.  Showers:  Don't expect one daily anymore.

4.  Things that make a baby cry: mommy sitting down for dinner, mommy taking a shower (see item 3), mommy putting her head on a pillow, mommy sneezing while putting sleeping baby in it's crib

5a.  Things that a baby will sleep though: chainsaws, a helicopter landing, loud music
5b.  Things that will wake a baby up: cricket farts, the cat walking by, see also item 4

6.  The day after you clip baby claws fingernails, they still look like they will be able to climb trees the next day.

7.  No one can prepare you for the fire hose that baby boys produce.  No one.  Always have a cover on that thing or wear a rain coat.  I have had pee dripping from the ceiling.

8.  Baby puke is like garlic.  You get it on your skin and the smell can't be washed out.

9.  You need a 4 year engineering degree to put together most baby items (swings, bouncy seats, cribs).  And a beer.  And extra tools so you can throw at least one.

10.  It never fails that the instant you have gotten the baby rocked to sleep after hours of crying, you realize that you have to piss like Seabiscuit at the Kentucky Derby.  Maybe invest in catheters.

Friday, February 3, 2012

Gramma Growley Reincarnate...

Last month, I introduced Gramma Growley here.

Last month I also indicated that one of my 101 in 1001 goals was to be a nicer, more positive person.  I am usually quite introverted, judgmental, and down right bitchy to the idiots that populate the general public.  As evidence that I have risen above my formerly negative attitude, I have this funny (in my opinion) story to tell.

A friend of ours needed some support in a rough time and asked if he could stop over for dinner.  So, being the Betty Rocker that I am, I decided to whip up some lasagna.  Not having lasagna noodles in the house, I decided to make a quick run to our local grocery store.

While in the baking aisle picking up a bread mix (Hodgson Mill European Herb and Cheese Bread yum), I overheard an elderly woman tell her husband that she could not find baking powder.  She was about 15 feet from me and it was right in front of me.  The skeptic in me told me to keep my trap shut, but new me decided to pipe up.

"Ma'am, the baking powder is right over here in front of me."  I offered with a smile as I pointed up to it.  So she strolled down and engaged me in friendly conversation.  She said that she gets so frustrated because she buys baking powder, but before she uses it all up, it tends to harden.  I listened and nodded as she lamented over her baking powder woes.

Then, as if Dr. Jekyll's evil alter ego had sprung forth, she spat out, "But what would you know?  You kids today don't know how to bake and probably don't even know what you use baking powder for."

My mind raced.  I was faced with the internal struggle to beat her old lady ass down for insulting me that way.  While I agreed with her, that most people my age do not make a lot of 'from scratch' foods, I felt it was very insulting that after I was simply trying to help her, she felt the need to slam my generation.  Hmmm...maybe if the people from her generation passed down this knowledge, more of us would be better cooks.  Haggard old bitch.

But, in an effort to be more positive, I simply smiled and asserted that I LOVED to cook and actually have my own website in which I post recipes and cooking experiences.  She turned around wordlessly and snatched the mega-size of baking powder because it was cheapest.

I really wanted to offer that maybe she should buy a smaller tin of baking powder and buy it more frequently as she needed it.  If it has been in your cupboard so long that it has petrified, it's chemical properties will no longer cause your baked good to rise anyway.

As I walked away, frustrated that my attempt at courtesy was shot down, I realized that you can't control how people will react to you.  Oh well, I smiled, knowing that I had done my part for the day.  I laughed, thinking that she was so much like my Gramma Growley and actually called mom to tell her.  She thought it was hysterical and agreed.

Thursday, February 2, 2012

I have a confession to make:

For the last couple of weeks, I have been desperately depressed.  We are talking eating a bag of chips on the couch all day in my rotten pajamas while watching 19 Kids and Counting depressed.

Why was I depressed?  Well...
*New England winters get pretty dreary.  Even if this has been a warm one, we still deal with shorter days, more cloudy days, and plenty of gnarly weather.
*With said yucky weather, for about three weeks, Red was either working or sleeping.  Since the weather sucked, I never wanted to pack the baby up and go visiting due to bad road conditions.
*I was informed that I didn't get an interview for a job I really wanted.
*Being out of work since August is absolutely making me stir crazy.  I wouldn't trade this time I have spent with the Yeti for anything, but frankly - the Insomniac Mom misses the social aspect, the mental challenge, and the physical change of scenery that a job provides.
*I'm just plain freaking bored.

I was getting lazier, eating crappy food (which makes me feel worse), was drinking more - hell even venting to you people had lost its magic.

So what did I do about it?

I forced myself to get my ass in gear!
1.  I went out and bought a new sexy outfit, spent the day primping, left the Yeti with grammy, and Red and I went out on a hot date.  It felt amazing to feel hot again, walk around Northampton and giggle and flirt like teenagers, and have an amazing meal at The Eastside Grill (phenomenal roast duck).  It made both of us realize that while we both need time for each other, we couldn't believe how much we missed our little Yeti.

2.  I had some talks with Red, my mom, and my dear friend Bobby D about my unemployment and job search woes.  They all told me the same thing, there may be days that it is lonely, but you will never get this time back with the Yeti.  Cherish it.  Also, that I have an opportunity to find what I really want to do.  There are so many opportunities out there and that I truly am a valuable asset to a company or organization.  That when the right thing comes along, I will know it.

3.  I bought a guitar.  Yes people, you heard me.  Look out Miranda Lambert.  I needed a hobby - a me thing.  I needed some mental challenge.  Something that required minimal set up (as you know, with a kid, you have to savor every thirty minutes) and equipment.  I love singing and performing (as I did with Bobby D once in a while pre-Red).  I am so excited about it, I can barely sleep (oh, wait, I do that anyway).

4.  I bought some Jillian Michaels' fitness dvds and decided it is time to get my ass in gear.

5.  I remembered what my mom had always told me - even though you have a bad day or feel a little down, it is your choice every day to put a smile on your face.  So I took that advice and decided that I need to smile more and laugh.  Stop watching depressing train wreck reality TV and do something!  Nothing puts a smile on my face like making my baby smile!

So, readers, I hope that in posting this, maybe I will help one person out of a slump.  I realized I needed to stop dwelling on negative things, and focus on the positive.  I have a perfect, healthy, gigantic baby boy who is truly a blessing a puts a smile on my face every time I look at his chubby puke covered cheeks.  I have an amazing fiance/gigantic leprechaun who is amazingly supportive and truly the love of my life.  I cherish every day that I get to spend with him and can't wait for March 17th, the day I become Mrs. Red.  I have a great family (both new and long time) that loves me unconditionally and is always there for me and us.  My friends are also amazing and always there for me too.  Thanks Bobby D, Johnny B, and Mindi-moose, with out you, life would be pretty boring.

So now that I am filled with rainbows, unicorns, and cupcakes, let's get life started again.

Wednesday, February 1, 2012

All seriousness aside...

I am about to broach a subject so taboo, I don't even discuss it with Red.  It has brought me to tears numerous times.  I have to go in for weekly treatments, just to maintain this condition, but it will never be cured.  It has taken me years to come to terms with this condition and I still don't truly accept that it will haunt me for the rest of my life.  While you will occasionally see advertisements on TV for products that correct this condition, the actors in the commercials never have this disease nearly as bad as I do.  I feel that only by coming clean to you, my dear readers, may I continue down the path of acceptance.

So, ladies and gentlemen, here it is:

I have facial hair.  We aren't talking a few cute little blond hairs here and there, but full on saplings growing out of my chin.  I wouldn't have caterpillars over my eyes, I would have wooly mammoths, complete with tusks.  My mustache would make Tom Selleck jealous.

My facial hair is so bad...
*that when I asked the lady at my local Vietnamese nail salon to wax me, she started yelling at me in her language and shooing me out of the store.  I'm pretty sure she was calling me a She-demon and was scared I would snatch her child away in the night.
*that a local spa actually gave me my money back, because after waxing, there was still a full beard on my chin, and she didn't feel right about charging me.
*that I get waxed or wax myself EVERY week.
*that I tweeze stragglers every day, twice a day.
*that I keep tweezers in my car because the natural light allows me to see hairs that I couldn't see in the bathroom.  The mirror above my visor is my booger and facial hair detector.
*that I have more than once, garnered the nickname of 'Bearded Goat Woman from Hell'.
*that if I gained 5 more pounds and stopped waxing, I might be confused for a seal.
*that sometimes wax and tweezers just isn't enough, I have to get out the come-along and winch.
*that I once tried a chemical hair remover and it just sat on my chin sizzling and popping for the directed amount of time, leaving the hair completely unscathed.
*that I got an estimate for laser hair removal and before giving me the price, they asked if I was able to remortgage my house.
*that the circus told me I was TOO bearded to be their sideshow freak.

I can admit, that there are days I don't leave the house and think that nobody will notice if I let my hair removal maintenance lapse.  I then realize that it only creates more work for me the next time.

Having this condition has made me very aware of other women who suffer from this horrifying condition.  So for these women, I would like to offer some advice:
1.  Bleaching facial hair does just that.  Now you look like you have a yellow mustache on your face.
2.  Shaving.  Don't do it.  If your condition is as bad as mine, you would have to shave daily, which you probably won't do.  It only draws attention to your face that you shave your face.
3.  Waxing really is the only way to go.  I know it hurts, but frankly, it is truly the only way to get rid of the hair temporarily.

So ladies, I know that I am not the only person suffering from this condition.  Lets start a movement to bring this to mainstream media.  Let's get a ribbon, a facial hair Barbie, and a celebrity spokesperson.  Will you campaign with me?

-The Insomniac Mom

Oooo Oooo That Smell...

I'm sorry that I was absent for my weekly 'Test Kitchen Tuesday' post.  I seem to have contracted a bug that has rendered me incapable of functioning.  My sap is running, my ear hurts, my sinuses are killing me, I have had a fever, and it feels like someone used my throat to sand the walls in our apartment.  About the only thing I was able to do from Monday to this morning was drink tea and honey and take care of the Yeti.  I slept all day yesterday and that is extremely out of character for me.

Finally, this morning, I woke up feeling better but not great.  Red kissed me good bye and I got my ass off the couch and decided to accomplish something today.

I realized that there was some sort of smell in the house.  Odd.  Red took the trash out this morning.  The dishes got done last night.  It's not baby diapers.  It's not the cat litter.  What else could it be?

Holy shit, its me.  I scanned my memory and realized that I didn't shower yesterday.  Or Monday.  My god you are disgusting.  I'm gonna need a wire brush and power washer to get this stink out.  Hopefully the couch hasn't absorbed this horrific odor.

So dear friends, since I am concerned that the neighbors might call the police thinking there is a rotting body up here, I am going to take a shower before the Yeti wakes up.  I promise I have a great post all worked out for tomorrow.  Don't call the EPA for the oil slick that will accumulate in the shower please.