Wednesday, February 1, 2012

All seriousness aside...

I am about to broach a subject so taboo, I don't even discuss it with Red.  It has brought me to tears numerous times.  I have to go in for weekly treatments, just to maintain this condition, but it will never be cured.  It has taken me years to come to terms with this condition and I still don't truly accept that it will haunt me for the rest of my life.  While you will occasionally see advertisements on TV for products that correct this condition, the actors in the commercials never have this disease nearly as bad as I do.  I feel that only by coming clean to you, my dear readers, may I continue down the path of acceptance.

So, ladies and gentlemen, here it is:

I have facial hair.  We aren't talking a few cute little blond hairs here and there, but full on saplings growing out of my chin.  I wouldn't have caterpillars over my eyes, I would have wooly mammoths, complete with tusks.  My mustache would make Tom Selleck jealous.

My facial hair is so bad...
*that when I asked the lady at my local Vietnamese nail salon to wax me, she started yelling at me in her language and shooing me out of the store.  I'm pretty sure she was calling me a She-demon and was scared I would snatch her child away in the night.
*that a local spa actually gave me my money back, because after waxing, there was still a full beard on my chin, and she didn't feel right about charging me.
*that I get waxed or wax myself EVERY week.
*that I tweeze stragglers every day, twice a day.
*that I keep tweezers in my car because the natural light allows me to see hairs that I couldn't see in the bathroom.  The mirror above my visor is my booger and facial hair detector.
*that I have more than once, garnered the nickname of 'Bearded Goat Woman from Hell'.
*that if I gained 5 more pounds and stopped waxing, I might be confused for a seal.
*that sometimes wax and tweezers just isn't enough, I have to get out the come-along and winch.
*that I once tried a chemical hair remover and it just sat on my chin sizzling and popping for the directed amount of time, leaving the hair completely unscathed.
*that I got an estimate for laser hair removal and before giving me the price, they asked if I was able to remortgage my house.
*that the circus told me I was TOO bearded to be their sideshow freak.

I can admit, that there are days I don't leave the house and think that nobody will notice if I let my hair removal maintenance lapse.  I then realize that it only creates more work for me the next time.

Having this condition has made me very aware of other women who suffer from this horrifying condition.  So for these women, I would like to offer some advice:
1.  Bleaching facial hair does just that.  Now you look like you have a yellow mustache on your face.
2.  Shaving.  Don't do it.  If your condition is as bad as mine, you would have to shave daily, which you probably won't do.  It only draws attention to your face that you shave your face.
3.  Waxing really is the only way to go.  I know it hurts, but frankly, it is truly the only way to get rid of the hair temporarily.

So ladies, I know that I am not the only person suffering from this condition.  Lets start a movement to bring this to mainstream media.  Let's get a ribbon, a facial hair Barbie, and a celebrity spokesperson.  Will you campaign with me?

-The Insomniac Mom


  1. You are a brave woman to admit that to the world!

  2. Haha thanks Masshole. I always wondered why it is acceptable to have leg and armpit hair like a man, but not facial hair like one.